LIFE AS A VIETNAM “WIDOW”

Life as a wife, when your husband is flight overseas is something I wouldn’t wish on anyone! I rented an apartment in my hometown and settled down for the wait. I was pregnant, expecting our baby in December 1966. My father drove me to the hospital, and I had the baby in a large hospital ward on base at Hill Air Force Base, with only curtains to separate the patients. But I had notified the Red Cross and I did receive a five-minute phone call from him to see how I was doing.

When Ed returned from Vietnam, it was a big adjustment. Whenever Ed heard a loud sound, he’d hit the floor, whether he was on a couch, standing, or lying in bed. He was much more quiet and serious, and it took a while for him to become humorous and normal again.

On Ed’s second tour, I had two children and was expecting the third when he left. The anti-war climate was worse, and I learned later that one of the reasons the people in my apartment complex were so cold to me was because they were anti-war.

When I had my third child during Ed’s second tour of Vietnam, the Red Cross could not locate Ed—he was on a top-secret trip to Laos. I got no phone call, and got no letters from him for three weeks until after he’d returned from his top-secret trip. The first letter I received said, “I’m near the North Vietnam/Laos border where I’ve been on a mission.” It came on the day that the news of Operation Lam Son 719, a massive invasion of military troops and helicopters, was announced. Daily news recorded the many helicopters downed; I had no idea that Ed was back at his home base.

One incident that defines how tight a tightrope I walked. When Ed was one his first tour, one of the women that we met with as “War Wives” had her husband declared POW. I can remember as we dropped her at her home that night, there was an ominous blue Air force car parked at her house, waiting to deliver the news that would change her life. 

It was at Christmas time when I had my scare. I had an upstairs apartment that looked out on the street and I saw a blue Air Force car pull up in front of my apartment. I couldn’t see who got out, but a few minutes later, there was a knock at my door. I remember thinking, “What if I don’t answer the door. Maybe they will go away!” However, I finally did answer the door and it was a mailman delivering Christmas packages! They had so many packages to deliver that the Air Force had loaned them some of their cars to deliver packages. After he left a sat down with my back against the door and cried! 

Patriotism and Me

I have always felt that I was more patriotic because of the 23 years Ed served in the military and of the many sacrifices we made as a military family. This included two years when Ed was serving in Vietnam and I was a young mother in Utah. His two tours of Vietnam were very difficult, but each time he was gone, I gave birth to his children without him. We had no choice in our assignments; we were sent where the Army told us to go and we could not decline an assignment no matter how difficult it was, or quit our job if we decided we didn’t like it.

During our children’s early years we usually moved every two years; during one period of time it was more often and Athena was in the fifth grade before she attended a full year of school in the same class she started out the school year in. This was very hard as she was a child who needed stability and routine; losing this permanence because of moving made her dyslexia worse. After each move she’d write mirror-image after until she felt secure again.

 

Ed marching in military parade

As a member of an Army family, I have seen many instances that have made me feel patriotic. I have seen many military parades where my heart has swelled with pride in our fine soldiers. I have seen my Air Force flyovers when I realized how grateful I was for those proud aviators who trained and served in far off bases. I have seen scenes on television of armed forces fighting and dying on foreign soil. All of these remind me of the price our soldiers pay for our country. In Italy our country’s anthem played on Armed Forces Network Television when it first came on in the morning and the last thing at night. We were reminded constantly of our citizenship while we were living in a foreign country.

I recall the Independence Day Carnival at the Military Base in Italy when they opened the base to Italians and everyone came inside to enjoy a hometown 4^th of July Party, with fireworks filling the sky at the end. 

I also recall times when I have seen individual incidences of respect for our country. I remember going to a movie theater on a military base in northern Italy, and as usual, the Star Spangled Banner played as the flag was displayed on the screen before the regular movie. Everyone in the theater stood and saluted or put their hand over their heart except a bunch of teenagers who were goofing off and being disrespectful. Ed went over to them and told them to stand up and be respectful to the flag, and those who were fighting for their freedom, and they shaped up. I remember how proud at that moment I was of my country, and my flag. The simple act of standing at attention while our national anthem played while we watched a movie on a military base reminded me of the freedoms I took for granted that our soldiers serving in that nation, far from family and friends, did not take for granted.

I remember another time while we were stationed on that Italian base. There were international tensions, and

Marc at school in Italy

our country dropped some bombs on Libya. Libya couldn’t bomb America, so instead they attacked some Italian islands they could reach. It was a tempest in a teapot, but some Italian politicians became angry against America. As civilians we knew nothing that morning, but as our teenage son walked through the Italian villaggio on the way to school, an old Italian man swore at him and spit on him. Our son didn’t know what was going on, but he recognized what it was—anti-American sentiment, something we ran into occasionally. He pulled out his cassette player, put on the music, “I’m Proud to Be an American” and continued to walk to school. Another time our eight-year-old daughter was called a “dirty American” and spit at outside church one Sunday, and for a while all students were bussed to school to prevent problems. There were anti-American protests outside the base so it was closed to all but Americans. Mormon missionaries were told to stop wearing their name tags and to stop proselyting temporarily because they were a

At church in Vicenza Italy

symbol of America. Eventually everything blew over and became normal again, but it reminded us how really free we are in America. I am grateful for those soldiers all over the world who live in places where it isn’t always easy to live as an American so the rest of us Americans can enjoy our freedoms.
 

I remember my first experience with the military when I first joined Ed at Ft. Wolters, Texas while he was going through flight school. I lived in a tiny apartment on the reactivated base and every morning I heard reveille play at 5:00 am. I couldn’t hear where it was coming from and at first I wondered if it was ghostly music from World War II when Ft. Wolters was for a time the largest infantry replacement training center in the United States. Eventually I realized my mistake, but it reminded me of all the soldiers who had passed through Ft. Wolters on their way to World War II, and were now on their way to Vietnam.  How many of these soldiers who passed through Ft. Wolters lived and how many died? How many who heard the same haunting sounds of that reveille as I did, then died during their army tours?

Many of the things I have mentioned have to do with the military—how they have fought to protect our freedoms. But I also remember the other side of patriotism—being a poll worker at the precinct on voting day in Texas, serving as a juror in Davis County, doing community service, studying the issues and candidates and voting. It is also strengthening the family and marriage in an ever-changing world by promoting The Family: A Proclamation to the World, fighting for the values I hold dear. A quote by James Bryce says it all, “Patriotism consists not in waving the flag, but in striving, that our country shall be righteous as well as strong.”

Feeling Patriotic in an Anti-American Atmosphere

Being a soldier or a soldier’s wife during the Vietnam War was not easy. The war was not popular and many looked down on soldiers as easy scapegoats. No one knows why the soldiers became so unpopular, but from the war being unpopular, the soldiers soon became disliked and then called baby-killers. Before long soldiers were being advised to change into civilian clothes before flying home so they wouldn’t be targets of protests.

Was became the short-haired military men stood out so much from the usual long-haired hippies who weren’t in the military, that it was obvious that they were in the army? Even the non-hippies wore hair much longer than the military men. Everyone who watched the Vietnam War on TV saw the atrocities and they blamed the soldiers they saw nearby because they couldn’t accuse the ones they saw on TV. 

While Ed was in Vietnam the first time, I stayed home in Bountiful expecting our first child in 1967. I went to the University of Utah for one quarter, and I felt the anti-war animosity indirectly. Everyone seemed friendly until they found out my husband was serving in Vietnam. Then the hostility about the war came out. The Tet Offensive occurred early in 1968 which was a military success, but a propaganda failure. That was when the anti-war sentiment changed from just the college campuses and hippies to other Americans.  I had never felt totally “apart” from the rest of society, but after that it was obvious that I was different. I can’t explain it; I can’t describe it; but I felt it. The only time I felt accepted was when I met with the “Waiting Wives Club” a group of women whose husbands were serving in Vietnam. 

It was worse the second time Ed served in Vietnam in 1970-71 and I was alone with three children under three years. I remember the apartment complex I was in having a summer party and I was the only one not invited, because as one of the neighbors explained, “You just wouldn’t fit in.” I was in a ward of mostly older families and I felt like every sound my three little ones made in church brought a lot of censure because they were the only children there.  So I spent most Sundays in the Church hallway trying to wrestle three little ones, feeling as though we were nuisances in the ward. I’ll never forget one older lady (her son was my age), who saw me in the hall and put her arms around me. “I had six children and my husband was in the bishopric and the stake presidency. I spent many years walking these halls with little ones. My heart goes out to you.” I’ve never forgotten her kindness and compassion. 

The war was even more unpopular, and protests were much more vocal by then. The war had spread unofficially into Laos and Cambodia, and everyone kept hoping the war would end “soon,” but it didn’t look like it ever would.  I felt everyone hated the war—and the soldiers and their families who were reminders of the war.

Halfway through Ed’s year’s second tour, I was able to meet him for an “Rest and Recovery” in Hawaii--a week-long vacation from war. While we were on Waikiki Beach, “The Smothers’ Brothers,” our favorite musical group gave a free concert, especially for all the military that were there on "Rest and Recovery." We were excited to go it. 

It was my first live concert; I was so thrilled to see the Smothers’ Brothers and hear them sing. It was an open concert on the grass and we went early to get close seats. I had a really nice camera that Ed had bought while he was in Vietnam, and I used it to take good pictures of them performing. We enjoyed their performance and the music so much.

The Smothers’ Brothers were very popular, but their show had been controversial. Some of the satirical jokes on their show on race, religion, censorship and the war had been considered to be anti-government and disturbed CBS, their network. Their show was cancelled.  However on that summer day on Waikiki where their music and jokes rang out to thousands of military members and their wives and girlfriends, none of that was apparent. The Smothers Brothers kept telling the military how much they appreciated the work they were doing. They said their father had been in the military and they had been military brats until their father had been killed as a Japanese POW in World War II. 

How ironic that some performers who had been blackballed because of anti-war jokes entertained and praised the soldiers who most Americans reviled and spat upon! Young men the same age as the soldiers in their audience sang and joked to them and made the soldiers feel at home in an America that rejected them! Other performers like Bob Hope performed in Vietnam, and lifted their spirit during the war; that was important! The Smothers' Brothers performed to soldiers on R & R with their wives and made them feel proud to be soldiers; and that was just as important.

Smothers' Brothers performing on Waikiki Beach

  

It was one of the few times during the Vietnam War that I felt proud to be a military spouse; one of the few times that I sensed Ed’s service, and my support was valuable. I never forgot the concert—or the feeling the Smothers’ Brothers gave me during years when I felt America resented my husband’s service.  God Bless the Smothers’ Brothers.

Thoughts on Veteran's Day

World War I officially ended when the Treaty of Versailles was signed on June 28, 1919; however, because the fighting of “The Great War” ceased with an armistice that went into effect on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month, of 1918, this date is generally regarded as the end of the “War to end all wars.” When President Wilson proclaimed November 11 1919 as the first commemoration of what would become first Armistice Day, and later Veteran’s Day, this day was to be “filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country’s service and with gratitude for the victory.”

Whenever I think of Veteran’s Day, I think of all the veterans of all the wars who have fought to keep our country free—from the Revolutionary War soldiers to those fighting in Iraq and Afghanistan. I think, too of the victories that have preserved our freedoms, both in war, in law, in elections—all of these help to make us free.

As a member of an Army family for 23 years, I have seen many instances that have made me feel patriotic. I have seen many military parades where my heart has swelled with pride in our fine soldiers. I have seen my Air Force flyovers when I realized how grateful I was for those proud aviators who trained and served in far off bases. I have seen scenes on television of armed forces fighting and dying on foreign soil. All of these remind me of the price our soldiers pay for our country.

I also recall times when I have seen individual incidences of respect for our country. I remember going to a movie theater on a military base at Livorno in Northern Italy, and as usual, the Star Spangled Banner played as the flag was displayed on the screen before the regular movie. Everyone in the theater stood and saluted or put their hand on their heart except a bunch of teenagers who were goofing off and being disrespectful. My husband went over to them and told them to stand up and be respectful to the flag, and to those who were fighting for their freedom. They were more respectful after that. It was such a small thing, but I remember how proud I was of my country, and my flag at that moment . The simple act of standing at attention while our national anthem played while we watched a movie on a military base reminded me of the freedoms I took for granted that our soldiers serving in that nation, far from family and friends, did not take for granted. 

My son, Marc, said that he will always remember how proud he was of his dad at that time for reminding those youth how important it is to respect our national anthem and our flag, even in such an informal setting as a movie theater.  He sent me an email saying that the incident was one that "I have written down as one of the defining moments of my life.  It made me realize the importance of standing up for what you believe and hold dear, whether it be respect for our country, or our religious beliefs.  It takes courage; I hope I can have Dad's courage to stand up for what I believe." 

I remember another time while we were stationed on that Italian base. There were international tensions, and our country dropped some bombs on Libya. Libya couldn’t bomb America, so instead they attacked some Italian islands they could reach. It was a tempest in a teapot, but some Italian politicians became angry against America. As civilians we knew nothing that morning, but as our teenage son walked through the Italian villaggio on the way to school, an old Italian woman swore at him and spit on him. Our son had been told not to walk to school because of the incidence (and had done it anyway). After being spit on, he went home, got his boombox, loaded the tape, “I’m Proud to Be an American” in it and played it loudly all the way to school. By that afternoon all students were bussed to and from school with soldiers with M-16s on the buses as escorts to prevent problems.

There were anti-American protests outside the base so it was closed to all but Americans. Mormon missionaries were told to stop wearing their name tags and to stop proselyting temporarily because they were a symbol of America. Eventually everything blew over and became normal again, but it reminded us how really free we are in America. I am grateful for those soldiers all over the world who live in places where it isn’t always easy to live as an American so the rest of us Americans can enjoy our freedoms.

I remember my first experience with the military when I first joined Ed at Ft. Wolters, Texas while my husband was going through flight school. I lived in a tiny apartment on the reactivated base and every morning I heard reveille play at 5:00 am. I couldn’t hear where it was coming from and at first I wondered if it was ghostly music from World War II when Ft. Wolters was for a time the largest infantry replacement training center in the United States. Eventually I realized my mistake, but it reminded me of all the soldiers who had passed through Ft. Wolters on the way to first World War II, and now on their way to Vietnam.  How many of these soldiers who passed through Ft. Wolters lived and how many died? How many who heard the same haunting sounds of that reveille as I did, died during their army tours?

Unfortunately, the Armistice signed on the 11^th hour of the 11^th day of the 11^th month in 1918 did not end all wars. The Americans still fighting on foreign shores need our support whether we support the wars they are fighting or not. Veteran’s Day this year on 2011 is a day set aside to honor all America's veterans for their patriotism, love of country, and willingness to serve and sacrifice for the common good. 

The original proclamation suggested that some ways to commemorate Veteran’s Day would be:

·         with thanksgiving and prayer and exercises designed to perpetuate peace   through good will and mutual understanding between nations;

·         with parades and public meetings and a brief suspension of business beginning at 11:00 a.m.;

·         with the display of the flag of the United States on all Government buildings;

·         with inviting the people of the United States to observe the day in schools and churches, or other suitable places, with appropriate ceremonies of friendly relations with all other peoples.

How each of us remembers the service of these veterans is an individual decision. How will YOU commemorate Veteran’s Day this year?