[This was written years ago when my children were young]
When the
baby eats the dog's food, my first thought is, "If I were a good mother,
this would never happen!" When I realize I have forgotten my daughter's
fourth grade class concert, I think, "A good mother remembers things like that."
Many times a day the "If I were a good mother...." refrain plays in
my mind and I feel inadequate and frustrated as a mother.
If I were
a good mother. . . .
I would
know instinctively what to do,
From the
day they take their first breath
To the
day they take their marriage vows...
And
beyond!
I don't remember my mother agonizing
about motherhood. She didn't read Dr. Spock, child development manuals, or take
parenting (or even Lamaze) classes. Yet she seemed secure and confident in her
identity as A MOTHER! She just assumed that she would know what to do and she
did. I recall her saying that the most important thing about parenting was
loving your children and enjoying them, and everything else would fall into
place. She also said that knowing how to be a good mother was instinctive and
that when I had children I would automatically know what to do.
I didn't! I worried and fussed from
the first minute, armed not only with my sister's child development manual, but
the most popular Baby and Child Care book
I could find. I recall the overwhelming inadequacy that hit me as I looked down
on my new firstborn and thought, "What on earth made me think I would know
how to take care this?" Is such an awesome feeling of responsibility for
another life normal or even common? Years later, I still worry that maybe I'm
not doing my best and I'll pay for it with delinquent, drug-crazed,
undernourished, unhappy, unloving or, heaven forbid, maladjusted children?
If I were
a good mother
I'd
always know where my kids are at l0:00 p.m.!
And
before--not after--I hear a crash,
Or
blood-curdling screams.
Did television give me unrealistic
expectations? I grew up with Claire Huxtable and Carol Brady of the Brady Bunch as my examples. Did it
brainwash me into believing in an ideal mother, who always solved the problems
of her children with a smile and in less than half an hour. Am I trying to live
up to the mother in the TV ads who always has home-baked cookies warm from the
oven for her children along with the perfect retort! Television not only gave
me examples of "perfect" mothers, it also countered by showing me,
every night on the 5:00 news, all the things that could go wrong if I failed as
a mother: the delinquency, drug abuse, murders, gang wars, mental illness,
kidnappings. And it instilled a feeling of guilt as it declaimed sententiously,
"It's l0:00 p.m. Do you know where your children are?" even when they
were in bed asleep.
If I were
a good mother...
My home
would always be spotlessly clean
With
floors you could eat off and
Plates
you can see yourselves in.
Did
commercials that sang of shining floors and shinier plates convince me that
cleanliness was the embodiment of motherhood? Did it depict "mother
love" as smiling when the baby threw the cereal on the floor or the dog
tramped mud in on the new carpet? Did sitcoms that never showed clutter make me
feel uneasy if my daughter cut out in the living room? When I bought a toy that
wasn't "educational" or the latest fad, did I feel I was depriving my
children? If they weren't computer whizzes, was it a reflection on me? Did it subconsciously
(or consciously) influence me that love is giving your child all the toys,
computer games or designer jeans he sees on TV? Or giving him only the
"right cereal?
If I were
a good mother...
I'd buy
only organic food,
Serve
only low-calorie, fat-free, high fiber
Peanut
butter snacks carved in animal shapes!
Was my generation the first to feel that there
was a "better" way to do things? We wanted organic food, nutritious snacks,
low-cholesterol breakfasts, sushi, Quinoa, tofu and
bean sprouts. But our children still became junk-food junkies! Did we feel that
if we bought the "right" food, they'd avoid all the obesity,
heart-attacks and cancers that have plagued the earth for generations? Did we
feel that supervised exercise and fun activities would make our children
thinner and happier than we'd been?
I must have subconsciously felt that my
parent's generation must have been ineffective or our world wouldn't be in the
mess it was in. I wasn't the only one I'm sure that wanted to show we could do
a better job doing things "our way", but not even child psychology
books could agree what the "best" way was. There has been free love, more
welfare, living together, more "friendly" divorces, more single
parents and same gender families, but has our generation done better than our
parent's generation? We wanted to save the world with peace on earth and universal
love, but our children are still unhappy, faced with greater problems, not only
physical but sexual abuse, different wars, more dangerous drugs, expanded
crime, increased poverty and homelessness, not to mention plagues like AIDS,
than our own generation!
If I were
a good mother...
I would
help my kids with the "new" math,
So they'd
become the class valedictorians
Or Olympic
champions and make me proud!
Do I try to live vicariously through
my children? Because I was a full-time mother do I equate success or failure by
my children's achievements? Or when I work outside the home, do I rationalize
that I am giving my children more responsibility and opportunities to garner awards?
Do I claim my children's honors are bonuses earned partly by me? How
responsible am I for my children's successes or failures? I recall the
tongue-in-cheek song, "Officer Krumpke" from West Side Story where
delinquency is attributed to failure of the parents, the schools, society and
the child itself. Just as the song comes full circle in putting blame for
personal problems on everyone and no one, we can't pin down absolutely why
children fail or succeed. We try as parents to do our best, but more often than
not we succeed or fail in spite of ourselves. I am too apt to take credit for
my children's successes and blame their failures on anything or anyone else. And
is that fair to them or me?
If I were
a good mother...
I'd be my
child's best friend
And we'd
have meaningful "raps"
In our
quality time together!
Was my generation too idealistic? The disillusionment when I realized I was not
an ideal parent made me feel not just inadequate but a failure. I was not a "good"
mother, whatever that meant! My mother on the other hand never expected to be
the perfect mother; but she felt she was a good mother. Would I worry less
about how good a mother I was if my own mother could have shared her insight and
failures with me as I raised my children? Do I see her as a more
"perfect" mother that I can't live up to because she died before I
made her a grandmother? Because I can't recall the times she yelled at me and
got angry do I worry when I lose my cool? Was she more like me than I realize?
If I were
really a good mother....
I would
realize the raising a child
Is not
always easy, but it's worthwhile.
The
rewards are not always tangible,
But the
most important thing is to keep trying.
I felt the same overwhelming awe and
fear with my fifth baby twenty years later as I did with my first when I was young
and fearless! "Now that I know how impossible it is to be a good mother,
why do I think I will succeed as mother this time?" To the awe and inadequacy
I had felt many years ago when my oldest was born, was added the knowledge and
sad experiences of the intervening years when my youngest was laid in my arms. I
know now what I only suspected years before-- that raising a child is the most challenging
and difficult job on the earth today! And that no time, or person is perfect.
My mother once told me that she
realized she was pregnant with my brother on the day the Japanese bombed Pearl
Harbor. She was saddened to think that this new babe inside her might only
serve as fodder in some war to secure peace in the world. The day that the my
pregnancy test came back positive with my youngest child, I looked at the world
and wondered if things could get worse. There were still wars, poverty, crime and pollution. I wondered what dangers my unborn child would
face in this imperfect world. I am aware of the dangers that lurk hidden within
each new day-- accidents, illnesses, failures, arguments, disappointments,
wars, sociological perils, plagues, radiations, global warming and air pollution. But I also know the
joys and delights, the revelry, the accomplishments, companionship, fun and
excitement that lie behind each new day also.
I laugh when I recall how I woke up my
first baby continually to see if he was wet! I was so naive and innocent then! Now
I don't worry if I will know what to do, but if I will have the energy
to do it! And I realize how different and unique each child is and I know I
can't treat them the same or expect them to react even similarly.
There are many days when I feel very
inadequate and a veritable failure as a mother; when I am late picking up my son
from soccer or too busy to notice my daughter is unhappy. On those days, my
"If I were a good mother" inner tape plays repeatedly and I feel like
declaring maternal bankruptcy. But there are far more days when I feel good about
how I'm doing as a mother and pat myself on the back. It may be something as
simple as taking the baby to the park or fixing a special picnic supper that
brings a glow to my heart. Or it may be that we survived a family dinner
without a disaster or phone call!
On those good days, I realize that I
worry about how I'm doing as a mother because it is so important! I recall my mother's
long-ago words that it's the loving and the enjoyment that counts and her
advice to never quit trying! And so, although motherhood may not be instinctive
and I'm far from perfect, I begin each new day vowing to be a not just a
"good" mother (if there is such a mythical creature) but only a
better mother than I was the day before.
I try to learn from my errors and keep
my head above water as I travel along the bumpy road of motherhood. But the
scenery is always different and the road is filled with fun and excitement as
we go along! And motherhood is one venture where the destination is only one
part of the journey!
