Traits of a good father

When my fiancé and I were discussing marriage and families, my future husband mentioned one major goal he had: he wanted to be a good father.

“I had never seen how a good family worked until I on my mission,” he told me. “There I saw examples of wonderful families with outstanding fathers who loved and took care of their families. I decided that I wanted most of all to be a father like that and raise families like those.”

I have never forgotten those words. My husband, Ed, had grown up in a home where his father had been injured in a severe accident when Ed was 18 months old. For the rest of Ed’s childhood and youth, his father had not been a really good father. He had been in hospitals and sanitariums; he became an alcoholic, and addicted to his pain meds. Ed had no good memories of his father. 

 Years later my daughter would meet someone who had been in my father-in-law’s scout troop before his accident and this gentleman felt that my father-in-law was one of the finest scoutmasters he’d ever known. Ed had three older siblings and I have no idea if Ed’s father had been a much better father to them before his accident. I just know that for Ed, his memories of his father were not good. 

However, rather than give him an excuse to be a lousy father, this had made Ed determined to be a much better father to his own children, and the good examples he had seen on his LDS* mission had become blueprints to his own plan of fatherhood. I remember being impressed with Ed’s words and in the past 50 years of marriage, I feel he has really lived up to his promise to be a good father. 

On this father’s day, I have pondered how Ed has become a good father. Ed hasn’t been the same father to all his children because our children are so far apart in age—our oldest child is 20 years old than our youngest child. So the father Ed was at 26 years of age to our oldest child was very different than he was at 46 years of age when our youngest was born, or at 64 years of age when the youngest graduated from high school. But his determination to always be a good and loving father has always been the same. 

One of the ways Ed wanted to be a good father was to be active in the church, and to raise

his children within the bounds of the church. There are numerous studies that site how important religious activity is in a child’s life. However, I think one of Ed’s motivations was that he remembers going to church as a youth and being ashamed of his father. Growing up in a small town where everyone knew everyone’s business, it hurt him when people talked about his father. I think Ed never wanted his children to be ashamed of him.

I think Ed’s missionary experiences and the examples of good fathers and families he’d admired involved church activity, including family prayers, family home evening, so he wanted to do these things also. This was the cornerstone of his fatherhood. I think he realized these things strengthen the family and make each person in the family better. Ed wanted us to be an eternal family so he wanted to raise the children to be part of an eternal family. 

Ed always enjoyed doing things as a family, from fishing, to camping, to all kinds of activities. Playing games, traveling places, going to movies—even working together in the garden—anything we did together as a family was important. Ed relished doing things with his children, being together, doing things as a family was his number one priority.

Ed always supported our children in all their activities, no matter how tedious. I can’t count how many times he would get off work early to go to a t-ball game, an acrobat review, or go to a father/son campout when he would much rather have done something else. As the years went by, it grew to countless dance recitals, choir and band concerts, ball games (of multiple types, including coaching); the list goes on forever. Whatever our children were involved in, including parent/teacher conferences, Ed was there. Whatever they were doing was important and he supported them and was there for them. 

Supporting my activities and education was another way he was a good father. It reinforced

to our children that everyone in a family’s undertakings and accomplishments were important. I had callings in the church and Ed took care of our children so I could fulfill those callings. Sometimes it was not convenient for him, but he knew I had my responsibilities, so he made sure I could achieve those.

I recall one time in Killeen, Texas in 1975. I was in the Stake Primary President and we were supposed to attend a stake meeting somewhere hours away. We had three little children at the time, ages 4, 6, 8 years. Ed had made arrangements to babysit the children, but just as I was supposed to leave, he got a phone call from the battery where he was battery commander that there was some type of emergency. I wondered if he would have to cancel babysitting to handle the problem; but he assured me to go to my meetings, he could take care of the problem and still babysit the children. I never knew whether he had to get someone else to babysit the children, or took them into the battery headquarters, but I knew that his commitment to me and my responsibilities was solid.

Later, he supported me as I finished my bachelor’s degree; it took me 24 years to complete my B. A. in English degree, and then I was pregnant with my fifth child. But Ed helped me and sustained me every step of the way—understanding my own timetable to complete it. I waited until all my children were in school, and then the only way I could attend school was in night school.  

Ed was a good disciplinarian. He was strict without being unfair. I think Ed was naturally good at this, but his experience as an officer in the U. S. Army helped hone this skill. Together we made rules and routines for our children and were consistent in applying discipline. This did not come naturally. I recall an incident in 1968 when our nine-month-old baby screamed in church and Ed took him out in the foyer and just as the door shut we heard a loud “slap” on the baby’s diaper. That changed quickly as he learned patience!

Ed’s military experience also taught him a lot of leadership and people skills which he

taught his own children by example. It has been interesting that all five of our children have developed leadership skills in various disciplines, and I’ve seen them model these from my husband.

One of the traits that I have admired the most about Ed is his unconditional love and his ability to allow our children the chance to develop opportunities to make decisions as they got older, and to learn from their mistakes in less harmful ways. How many times has Ed gritted his teeth and shook his head over something that his teen-age children have done (usually to do with money), but added, “They have to learn the hard way.”

Once when an adult child decided not to go to college, but drop out, a friend said, “Aren’t you going to stop him?” 

Ed replied, “He is an adult. We love him. We wish he wouldn’t do this, but he will have to learn himself.” 

I have loved that Ed has never tried to make our children into clones of himself.  All of our children are each unique individuals with talents and interests of their own. Ed & I both celebrate their right to choose their careers and interests, whether we enjoy those same things. To Ed, it is more important that our children have the skills and education to do what they want in their life rather than what they want to be.   

Even when one decided that he wanted to be an actor, Ed

just encouraged him to make sure he got an education so he could get a good job in the field while he was trying to succeed. He never said, “It is impractical to be an actor.” Instead he said, “Get some education to work in a job where you can use those skills while you succeed in becoming an actor.”

When our daughter wanted to attend Berklee College of Music in Boston, rather than discourage her, he suggested he try to get a scholarship, which she did and attended Berklee. He always encourages our children to follow their dreams by getting an education, which he feels is one of the keys to success in employment. 

There are many other ways Ed is a good father, but these are the things that stand out as I reflect on Father’s Day. However, I think of one more thing that Ed has done for his children is revealed in this quote by Jim Valvano:

“My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me."